In early April, the front of AM New York, the free paper I read on the days I commute to Manhattan, bore this headline: “From NO JOB to NOSE JOB.” The accompanying image was a beautiful woman whose face was marked up with dotted lines and arrows, a blueprint of sorts for the construction project to come.
The premise of the article was that there is an increasing number of people in today’s economy who are getting plastic surgery in order to compete for jobs. Afraid of being passed over for a younger applicant, both men and women are hoping that a little nip and tuck will increase their likelihood of getting hired.
While I can certainly appreciate the unfortunate plight of the recently unemployed mid-lifer, this is horrifying to me. Feelings about plastic surgery for vanity’s sake aside, I am troubled simply because this is a lie. People are not more likely to get hired by having plastic surgery. I happen to know a dirty little secret that HR professionals don’t want you to know: though hiring managers are not supposed to consider (or even know) a potential candidate’s age, they have very simple ways of finding out. Plastic surgeons have duped desperate clients into spending thousands of dollars they don’t have for procedures that are not going to fool anybody.
How do I know this, you ask? At more than one time in my life, I worked closely with the HR departments of a few large corporations. I participated in several grueling hiring processes, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt: if your age matters to them, they will find out how old you are. You will not know that they know, but they will know. From the simple act of verifying that you graduated from college (“Why yes, I can verify that Ms. Jones graduated with her BA in 1977.”), to Googling your name, to tracing your employment history, your age is as much a secret as Eliot Spitzer’s sex life. You like to think it’s all behind you, but you ain’t fooling anybody.
I beg you: don’t take the bait. If you are one of the desperate forty-somethings who is considering plastic surgery in hopes that it will hide your true age and increase your hireability, listen to me now: you are mistaken. Trust me. They will know how old you are, and they will figure out that you’ve tried to hide it, and they will be even less likely to hire you (no one wants to hire someone who begins their professional relationship by trying to pull a fast one).
So, with that said, what are some of the things you could do during your season of unemployment instead of having plastic surgery? I’m so glad you asked. Here are a few of my suggestions:
1. Take advantage of Facebook. For networking? Heck no! I’m talking about all those great personality tests and “should” tests (like “I should be named Shakkataneeya,” or “I should have been a lion tamer”). People pay big fees for such life advice, and now, thanks to Facebook, you can find out whether you should have had that third child or not. Sooooo helpful as you contemplate your job search (might want to cross “daycare worker” off the potential job list, for example).
2. Start exercising. If your desire is to look younger, why not try the old-fashioned approach of actually getting into good shape? With all the time you have on your hands for plastic surgery and recovery, you could be Zumba-ing your way to S-E-X-Y (or at least Y-O-U-N-G-E-R) in no time flat!
3. Go back to school. That way, when you’re applying for new jobs, you can truthfully sell yourself as a “student,” and to most people, student = young (and ambitious). Also, hanging around a bunch of co-eds makes you feel younger. A couple of years ago, I took a 200-level course and hung out with “kids” fifteen years my junior. They assured me that I did not look or act my age. I took that to be a good thing.
4. Start your own company. Everyone knows it’s harder to get a job when you’re unemployed. Solve the problem of gaps in your employment history by being a little entrepreneurial. Doing what, you ask? It doesn’t matter! Just make a business card, give yourself a title (Chief Founding Officer of Operations and All Things Important, for example), and you’re all set.
5. Increase your word power. Actually being smart is way more important than looking young. Check out Dictionary.com’s Word of the Day and start peppering your conversation with such locutions as feckless or sanguine. That way, when you do get an interview, you can say something like, “I was feeling rather feckless in my efforts to find a new job, but then I got your e-mail inviting me to come in for this interview, and now I am back to my old sanguine self!”
6. Volunteer somewhere. Remember that time you said that you were so busy with work that you didn’t have time to “give back to society?” Well, it’s time to pay up. Perhaps you can tutor at an after school program for high-risk kids, or offer professional advice to women in a welfare-to-work program. Homeless shelters, churches, and food pantries always need help. Don’t be shy. It’s always a good idea to sow good seeds in life. I just spoke with someone who got laid off last fall. He started volunteering at the non-profit his mom works for, and last week, he was offered a paying gig there.
7. Go to museums. Rather than becoming some plastic surgeon’s piece of art, check out actual works of art. Every town has at least one art or history museum (if my hometown of Clawson, Michigan had one, your town has one – guaranteed). It’s a lot cheaper and less painful, and you will feel more inspired looking at a beautiful painting than looking at your own face after it’s come out from under the knife/needle.
8. Visit the elderly. You want to feel younger? Want to feel better about yourself? Visit people living in a nursing home. Suddenly, you will have some healthy perspective on what really matters in life, not to mention the joy you will get from seeing the toothless grin of a man or woman delighted to have someone to talk with.
9. Take the vacation you’ve been thinking about. It’s a sure-fire way to get called for an interview. You’ll have to cut your trip short, of course, because Murphy’s Law never fails, but there ya go – you want to get called in, right? Go out of town. You’ll get called.
10. Invite a friend who is at least ten years older than you to accompany you to your interview. You won’t need surgery to look younger. Perspective is everything – if you’re sitting in the lobby beside someone who is older, you will look younger and more energetic by comparison. It’s just a fact.
There you have it – ten things to do during the recession that are way better ideas than getting a nose/cheek/brow/chin/butt job. Will these guarantee employment? No. But, honey, niether will that Botox. And these suggestions are so much more fun than going under the knife.