It’s a great time to be a guy. Arguably, it’s always been a great time to be a guy. But this is an especially great time to be a guy.
In case you haven’t noticed, dear sir, you are a contemporary cultural phenomenon. You are a best seller. Blockbuster titles like Manning Up and Why There are No Good Men Left fly off the shelves. What flattery! And, as if works of literary nonfiction dedicated to unearthing you, the male primate of the 21st century, weren’t enough, previously ignored or shunned “adolescent” male behaviors are now the gold standard in American entertainment. Unlike women of a similar width and depth, your on-screen bros are “real,” “relatable,” and “endearing.” Never change. It pays to remain the same hot-dog-wielding-perv at the lunch table you were in grade three.
Sure, there’s been a little bit of bad press lately about the fact that for the first time in history, women surpass men in finishing college and earning advanced degrees. But, what is not being said is what this really means for you guys.
Nationally, the male to female ratio on a college campus is 43 to 57. Assuming that roughly 10% of men are interested in developing relationships with other guys, and that another 20% are intimidated by women and avoid them, then according to my calculation, the ratio of actively heterosexual men to women is closer to 30 to 57. Roughly translated, on your average North American campus, for every actively heterosexual man, there are 2 women.
But perhaps you’re thinking that it’s not financially feasible for you to return to college to take advantage of these odds. Fair. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And in New York City alone, there are 200,000 more women then men. So put down your book, The Four Hour Work Week, and listen up. There’s a little something here for everyone. Yes, even, you — the one with the wallet hanging by a chain attached to your jean shorts.
The world is your oyster [bar]. According to the Guttmacher Institute, seven out of ten women are sexually active, which is like, pretty much 70%. Now, lets assume that two out of the seven sexually active women might be in a committed relationship: cohabiting with their significant other, married, etc, and are therefore out of the game. This still means that, at a minimum, you have five sexually active women to choose from. And, should you want to increase your odds further, you could always try your hand at courting the remaining three ladies-in- waiting. (However, those stakes are high, as ladies-in-waiting tend to play for keeps.)
Now, if you’re like most men, you’re probably freaking out about how you will deal with these myriad sexual options. Love yourself. Breathe. And of course, stay focused on the positive: all of this, for you, is virtually consequence-free.
I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true. It’s like the world has thrown you a stag party as your punishment for failing to measure up. What’s the catch? The catch is, that the sexual revolution was for women. Yes, it’s true. But, enough about us; let’s get back to you.
You don’t have to take the pill, wear a patch, insert messy rings or go through the hassle of making an appointment with your doctor to change and refill your prescription for said pills, patches, rings and paraphernalia. As for the potential short and long-term health consequences such as nausea, decreased libido, blood clotting, cancer, and infertility? On us. Cervix with a smile. If I didn’t know better, I would say that it’s like men invented birth control. But, of course, that’s just the woman in me talking crazy.
So, before you sneak off to powder up your nose, play video games, or do whatever it is that pre-adulthood males do these days to seek personal fulfillment, the least you could do is bow your head and thank the gods Ortho Novum and Depo Provera for the blessings they have bestowed upon your life as a man. Now, if there are any overachievers out there, let me say this: should you be interested in members of the opposite sex, and should you have the strength to pull yourself away from the bowl of mixed nuts, and your impromptu frat meeting, to introduce yourself to one of the million cute girls at the bar, you will probably find that despite the fact that she is mentally competent and may be more accomplished than you, she is still, most likely, willing to give you a shot. Sure, it may be a lemon drop shooter, rather than a Jameson neat, but hey, them’s the breaks. Nobody said the best things in life are free.